Helping Struggling Teens

Category: Acountability For Yourself

  • How We Help Children Change

    First and foremost our number one goal for kids we work with, all kids we work with, is to produce “self-efficacy”. By that we mean, “self-reliance”, “persistence”, “courage to endure adversity”, “resilience”, and “confidence”.

    In order to achieve this we believe we must focus on certain aspects of a child’s makeup. Primary in our focus is “attitudes, values, and beliefs”. Secondarily, we focus on anti-social behaviors. Thirdly, we focus on personality factors. You will learn more today (probably more than you ever wanted to) on the mechanics of how we approach this change process.

    Charles Swindoll once wrote: “We cannot change the past – we cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.”

    We use a tool called, Thinking, Changing, Rearranging, which is really a primer on Rational Emotive Therapy developed by Jill Anderson. A major premise of this tool is not letting your emotions control your life, that facts are more important than feelings, and that you can’t control events and others, but you can control how you react to them. It’s a rare person who doesn’t get discouraged but we all must learn to endeavor to persevere to be successful.

    The value of courage, persistence and perseverance has rarely been better illustrated than the life of one famous American:

    At age 22 – Failed in business
    “ “ 23 – Ran for Legislature and lost
    “ “ 24 – Failed in business
    “ “ 25 – Elected to the Legislature
    “ “ 26 – Wife died
    “ “ 27 – Had a nervous breakdown
    “ “ 29 – Ran for Speaker of the House and lost
    “ “ 31 – Defeated for election
    “ “ 34 – Ran for Congress and lost
    “ “ 37 – Elected to Congress
    “ “ 39 – Defeated for Congress
    “ “ 46 – Defeated for Senate
    “ “ 47 – Defeated for Vice President
    “ “ 49 – Ran for Senate and defeated
    “ “ 51 – Elected for President of the USA

    This is the record of Abe Lincoln.

    Also, central to our approach is accountability. Choice and free will are the cornerstones of our philosophy. We believe that regardless of a child’s background they can learn to do things differently, see things as they truly are, and learn to think rationally. Unfortunately, most of the kids we work with follow Ziggy, the cartoon characters philosophy of “I like things the way they aren’t”.

    We want kids to actually get better not just feel better. Good mental health is not the absence of problems; it’s learning to cope with problems rationally.

  • Identifying Signs of Anger

    “If you are patient in one moment of anger you will avoid 100 days of sorrow.”
    Confuscious

    Many people who have not learned to understand anger within themselves struggle to recognize it as it approaches, only becoming aware once it has exploded and become overwhelming. Learning to identify anger as it begins to escalate is an enormous step in taking control of anger within yourself.

    Definition of Anger:
    1. [n] belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong (personified as one of the deadly sins)
    2. [n] a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance

    Physical Cues –
    Anger is a normal reaction to a perceived threat. All animals have certain physiological reactions to threat which allow us to respond physically: for example, to run away from danger, to fight to protect ourselves or our family, or to ‘freeze’ in order to avoid being seen by another creature that poses a danger.

    Examples of physical cues girls have listed in discussion:
    Ringing in ears
    Headache
    Feeling over heated
    Clench jaw
    Get very quiet
    Heart begins to race
    Get knots in stomach
    Experience a back ache
    Make fists
    Get sweaty palms
    Feel legs shaking
    Tap feet

    These signs can be used as ‘cues’ to let you know when your anger is escalating and you need to take control before things get out of hand. Some of these cues may take place sooner than others. If you tune into these physical cues to anger, you can learn to recognize them earlier and respond to your emotions in more planned and effective ways.

    Ask Yourself: What can you do to control your physical cues? What coping mechanisms could you use that could help you stop the escalation of anger? Have you ever controlled your physical cues in the past, if so how? What would it look like when you do control your physical cues?

    Emotional cues –
    When people get angry they frequently notice themselves starting to feel differently.  It is important to notice how you are changing internally when you experience anger so it can be kept in control.

    Examples of emotional cues girls have listed in discussion:
    Sadness
    Crying
    Frustration
    Annoyance
    Stressed
    Queasy
    Content

    These signs can be used to help you identify when you are getting angry. These emotions are not always bad emotions, but when used to fuel anger they can be hurtful. When these emotions are noticed in relationship to anger it is important for you to take control of these emotions so they do not spiral out of control.

    Ask Yourself: Why do you notice emotional cues when you are beginning to experience anger? How is anger tied into your emotions? What can you do to control the emotions you are experiencing due to anger?

  • Thoughts on “Goodness”

    Einstein said:
    “The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to our lives”.

    Goodness:
    A recent survey completed by State Farm Insurance Co. took a look at America’s “moral” fabric, concluding it was at the least “frayed”. Some highlights of this survey include: The top five “absolutely essential” values that parents want for their children are honesty, respect for others, self-discipline, academic excellence, and self-sufficiency. When asked about their success in teaching these values to their children, 50 percent said they had done a good job on teaching courtesy, honesty, and academic excellence. However, only 38% said they had been successful in teaching self-sufficiently and 34% said they had successfully taught self-control.

    Years ago Father Flanagan said, “There are no bad boys.” This is a reference to his belief that we are born good. Some other schools of thought believe we are born “innocent” but not good, that goodness must be taught.

    There is certainly no shortage of external factors that can and do effect “goodness” such as, music, TV and movie violence, proliferation of pornography, absence of fathers, poor discipline in schools, poverty, to mention a few. All of these factors to varying degrees affect goodness. mobdro apk free download Do parents want their children to be “good” people; of course they do. Most parents, however, do not make “goodness” a primary concern.

    Ask yourselves the following questions:

    Would I rather have a kind child with average intelligence or a brilliant child who wasn’t kind?

    How much time have I spent developing my child’s ethics relative to other achievements?

    Do I reward goodness (kindness) as I do grades or making the soccer team, and do I react less seriously to character deficiencies than to scholastic or other deficiencies?

    Would I allow my child to cheat to achieve something significant?

    Do I insist my child thank people?

    If you asked your child “what do you think I most want for you – to be happy, smart, successful, or good?” How do you think they would answer?

    As parents we clearly communicate what we care about most, whether we realize it or not. If I could offer one piece of advice to all parents of young children, it would be to “work hard” at being sure goodness or moral competency is equally balanced with other values and expectations in your child’s life. Ultimately, as our children grow and become adults it becomes equally important to us that our kids have become not just happy and successful, but that they are good people too. It is high irony to raise a child who you of course love but don’t much like.

  • Assertiveness: Acting in Your Own Best Interest

    The American Heritage Dictionary defines assertiveness as expressing oneself confidently. It is the balance of looking after your own needs and boundaries, while also respecting those of others

    There are 3 basic styles of interpersonal behavior and communication styles:

    1. Aggressive: Blaming, accusing, threatening, abrasiveness. Does not respect the boundaries of others.
    2. Passive: Subject to inaction. Without responding. Meekness. Will not defend one’s own position, and may be manipulated by others.
    3. Assertive: Expressing true beliefs, thoughts, feelings. Will speak their mind or defend their boundaries while respecting those of others.

    Being assertive means acting in your own best interest; being either passive or aggressive is not. When you learn to be assertive, meekness, withdrawal, attack, and blaming are no longer needed. The essence of being assertive is to be direct, not manipulative and to be honest, but tactful. Addressing your position or opinion respectfully but firmly is being assertive.

    Types of Assertion:
    1. Basic Assertion: A simple expression of position. To some one who constantly interrupts, for example, “Excuse me, I’d like to finish what I have to say.”

    2. Empathic Assertion:
    Includes 2 parts: a) Recognition of the other person’s feelings
    b) Standing up for your position

    Example:
    “I understand you’re in a real bind, but I have too much to do so I can’t do your chores too, sorry.”

    3. “I” Language Assertion: Useful in expressing difficult negative feelings. A 4-part statement:

    a) When – Describe the other person’s actions
    b) The effects are – How the actions affect you
    c) I think / feel – Optional description of thoughts, feelings
    d) I wish / I’d prefer, etc. – You describe what you want.

    Example:
    “When you constantly interrupt, I feel disrespected and discounted. I wish you’d be polite and wait until I am finished speaking.”

    Example:
    “When you criticize me in front of others without trying to help, I think you’re just trying to hurt me or make a fool of me. I’d prefer you give me constructive feedback privately.”

  • The Morals of Chess

    Something I read recently amazed me as to its application in what we try to impart to kids in our programs.

    Remarkably, it was written in 1779 by Ben Franklin: this is paraphrased from “The Morals of Chess”

    Foresight:
    Look into the future and consider the consequences. Think about the real advantages to yourself, than wonder about the impact on others and how that might reflect on your life. Imagine how you might defend your position.

    Circumspection:

    Examine the bigger picture including the dangers, the possibilities, and probabilities. Be braver about options that scare you.

    Caution:

    Don’t make moves in haste or in passion. Keep the rules and guidelines of law, etiquette, and commandments. Understand that once you’ve made your move, you set into play a series of events over which you may not have recourse, from which you might suffer in your soul as well as your life.

  • Feeling Good About Yourself

    What is your most valuable possession? No, it’s not your stereo, your bicycle, your stamp collection or anything else that money can buy. It is your SELF – your good opinion about yourself. SELF is the feeling inside that says, “I really like myself!” Developing self helps you face whatever life throws at you. Many adults are constantly bothered by self doubts because they never learned to like themselves.

    Don’t concentrate on the frightening unknowns; jump in and give it a try. You’ll survive. And with each success, you bolster your self-image and inspire yourself to go further. When you don’t succeed, however, don’t punish yourself. You can’t be perfect; you can’t do everything well. What’s important is that you don’t allow your fears to prevent you from trying new experiences. Look around you. You’ll notice a distinct shortage of perfect people! So do your best but don’t get hung up on being the best all the time. Try hard and have faith in yourself. That’s what matters.

    Another obstacle is ENVY. Being jealous of others is a waste of time and energy. Every person’s life has both good and bad qualities. Your assets outshine the other person’s in some areas. Be thankful for your blessings; don’t begrudge the other person theirs. When you make a big mistake, make it right, forgive yourself, and get on with your life. Don’t wallow in a zero state.

    Never overlook the advantages of reaching out to others. Reaching out is a sure-fire way to feel better about yourself. Caring about others is a measure of strength of character and enhances personal power and self-esteem.

    One last piece of advice: Learn to “talk” to yourself (rationally). Congratulate yourself for everything you do right. And when you fail or make a mistake encourage yourself to keep trying. With that kind of attitude you shouldn’t find it difficult to become your own BEST FRIEND.

    “Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work.”
    Anonymous

  • Anger and Self Talk

    Self-talk is that “little voice inside your head”. It is what you tell yourself about yourself, or about a situation. Self-talk can be positive, like when you tell yourself “I can do this” to help you get through something you’re nervous about. Or, it can be negative, like when you tell yourself “I’m so stupid” and beat yourself up about a mistake you’ve made.

    What does self-talk have to do with anger management?

    A lot! Self-talk has a huge influence on your feelings and can make you feel better or worse about any given situation. If your self-talk tends to be negative, you probably spend a lot more time feeling angry (at yourself or at others) than someone whose self-talk tends to be positive.

    Example:
    Situation: John is in a movie theatre on his way back to his seat from the concession stand. Someone bumps into him and knocks half of his super-sized bucket of popcorn onto the floor. The guy who bumped into him just kept walking.

    Negative Self-Talk: “That jerk probably bumped into me on purpose. He’s trying to make me look like a fool. Embarrassing me in front of all these other people, they are probably all thinking I’m a punk if I don’t do something about it. I can’t let him disrespect me like that.”

    Positive Self-Talk: “The guy is probably oblivious – doesn’t even realize what he just did. Either that or he’s got some serious issues going on. Everyone who saw this is probably thinking what a jerk he is. I’m not going to let it ruin my night. Anyway, he just cut my calorie intake for the night in half.”

    Clearly, our own self talk influences how we react to situations that might make us angry. To illustrate how this happens, let’s take a look at the anger cycle.

    Anger Cycle:

    Stage 1: ‘Conflict Occurs’
    Conflict occurs when there are two or more opposing attitudes, values or beliefs. The conflict can be internal (a conflict within yourself, such as when you have two opposing beliefs), or interpersonal (between two or more people).

    Stage 2: ‘Response’
    How people respond to conflict can determine the consequences of the conflict. Your response to conflict is the easiest part of the cycle to control.

    Stage 3: ‘Consequences’
    There are consequences to every conflict, but it is important to remember that the consequences can be negative or positive.

    Stage 4: ‘Reinforcement’ or ‘Change’
    As a result for the consequences, the conflict cycle can be reinforced so it continues in the same old way. Or, the consequences can lead to change, so that the parties involved either exit the cycle altogether or continue but change the patterns in the cycle.

    Ask Yourself: At what part of the anger cycle is self-talk important? How does self-talk effect the cycle, in either positive or negative ways?

    What different outcome might positive self-talk have on the anger cycle compared to negative self-talk?

  • That Which You Control

    There are only ten things in your life that you can control:

    1. What you do. You cannot control others. Let them go and give them back to themselves.

    2. What you say. You cannot control what others say to you. Let what they say go and give their words back to them.

    3. What you think. You cannot control how others think about you. Let what they think about you go and give their thoughts back to them.

    4. Your work. You cannot control others performance. Let their performance go and give it back to them.

    5. The people you associate with. You cannot control who will and will not be your friend. Let negative influences go and give their negativity back to them.

    6. Your basic physical health. You cannot control others personal health. Let their issues go and give it back to them.

    7. The environment you live in. You cannot control others choices. Let their choices go and give their choices back to them.

    8. Your finances. You cannot control others finances. Let their finance issues go and give it back to them.

    9. Your time. You cannot control how others wish to spend their time. Let it go and give their life back to them.

    10. You cannot control what others wish to do with their lives. Let it go and give their life back to them.

    Letting go is about getting rid of the need to control anything and everything that is not on the above list. If it is not within your power to change it, control it, or alter it, then let go of it! Period. Try it right now, and feel the tranquility that comes with releasing those which we cannot control, and the peace in giving them back to themselves.