Helping Struggling Teens

Tag: self talk

  • Identifying Signs of Anger

    “If you are patient in one moment of anger you will avoid 100 days of sorrow.”
    Confuscious

    Many people who have not learned to understand anger within themselves struggle to recognize it as it approaches, only becoming aware once it has exploded and become overwhelming. Learning to identify anger as it begins to escalate is an enormous step in taking control of anger within yourself.

    Definition of Anger:
    1. [n] belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong (personified as one of the deadly sins)
    2. [n] a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance

    Physical Cues –
    Anger is a normal reaction to a perceived threat. All animals have certain physiological reactions to threat which allow us to respond physically: for example, to run away from danger, to fight to protect ourselves or our family, or to ‘freeze’ in order to avoid being seen by another creature that poses a danger.

    Examples of physical cues girls have listed in discussion:
    Ringing in ears
    Headache
    Feeling over heated
    Clench jaw
    Get very quiet
    Heart begins to race
    Get knots in stomach
    Experience a back ache
    Make fists
    Get sweaty palms
    Feel legs shaking
    Tap feet

    These signs can be used as ‘cues’ to let you know when your anger is escalating and you need to take control before things get out of hand. Some of these cues may take place sooner than others. If you tune into these physical cues to anger, you can learn to recognize them earlier and respond to your emotions in more planned and effective ways.

    Ask Yourself: What can you do to control your physical cues? What coping mechanisms could you use that could help you stop the escalation of anger? Have you ever controlled your physical cues in the past, if so how? What would it look like when you do control your physical cues?

    Emotional cues –
    When people get angry they frequently notice themselves starting to feel differently.  It is important to notice how you are changing internally when you experience anger so it can be kept in control.

    Examples of emotional cues girls have listed in discussion:
    Sadness
    Crying
    Frustration
    Annoyance
    Stressed
    Queasy
    Content

    These signs can be used to help you identify when you are getting angry. These emotions are not always bad emotions, but when used to fuel anger they can be hurtful. When these emotions are noticed in relationship to anger it is important for you to take control of these emotions so they do not spiral out of control.

    Ask Yourself: Why do you notice emotional cues when you are beginning to experience anger? How is anger tied into your emotions? What can you do to control the emotions you are experiencing due to anger?

  • Anger and Self Talk

    Self-talk is that “little voice inside your head”. It is what you tell yourself about yourself, or about a situation. Self-talk can be positive, like when you tell yourself “I can do this” to help you get through something you’re nervous about. Or, it can be negative, like when you tell yourself “I’m so stupid” and beat yourself up about a mistake you’ve made.

    What does self-talk have to do with anger management?

    A lot! Self-talk has a huge influence on your feelings and can make you feel better or worse about any given situation. If your self-talk tends to be negative, you probably spend a lot more time feeling angry (at yourself or at others) than someone whose self-talk tends to be positive.

    Example:
    Situation: John is in a movie theatre on his way back to his seat from the concession stand. Someone bumps into him and knocks half of his super-sized bucket of popcorn onto the floor. The guy who bumped into him just kept walking.

    Negative Self-Talk: “That jerk probably bumped into me on purpose. He’s trying to make me look like a fool. Embarrassing me in front of all these other people, they are probably all thinking I’m a punk if I don’t do something about it. I can’t let him disrespect me like that.”

    Positive Self-Talk: “The guy is probably oblivious – doesn’t even realize what he just did. Either that or he’s got some serious issues going on. Everyone who saw this is probably thinking what a jerk he is. I’m not going to let it ruin my night. Anyway, he just cut my calorie intake for the night in half.”

    Clearly, our own self talk influences how we react to situations that might make us angry. To illustrate how this happens, let’s take a look at the anger cycle.

    Anger Cycle:

    Stage 1: ‘Conflict Occurs’
    Conflict occurs when there are two or more opposing attitudes, values or beliefs. The conflict can be internal (a conflict within yourself, such as when you have two opposing beliefs), or interpersonal (between two or more people).

    Stage 2: ‘Response’
    How people respond to conflict can determine the consequences of the conflict. Your response to conflict is the easiest part of the cycle to control.

    Stage 3: ‘Consequences’
    There are consequences to every conflict, but it is important to remember that the consequences can be negative or positive.

    Stage 4: ‘Reinforcement’ or ‘Change’
    As a result for the consequences, the conflict cycle can be reinforced so it continues in the same old way. Or, the consequences can lead to change, so that the parties involved either exit the cycle altogether or continue but change the patterns in the cycle.

    Ask Yourself: At what part of the anger cycle is self-talk important? How does self-talk effect the cycle, in either positive or negative ways?

    What different outcome might positive self-talk have on the anger cycle compared to negative self-talk?

  • That Which You Control

    There are only ten things in your life that you can control:

    1. What you do. You cannot control others. Let them go and give them back to themselves.

    2. What you say. You cannot control what others say to you. Let what they say go and give their words back to them.

    3. What you think. You cannot control how others think about you. Let what they think about you go and give their thoughts back to them.

    4. Your work. You cannot control others performance. Let their performance go and give it back to them.

    5. The people you associate with. You cannot control who will and will not be your friend. Let negative influences go and give their negativity back to them.

    6. Your basic physical health. You cannot control others personal health. Let their issues go and give it back to them.

    7. The environment you live in. You cannot control others choices. Let their choices go and give their choices back to them.

    8. Your finances. You cannot control others finances. Let their finance issues go and give it back to them.

    9. Your time. You cannot control how others wish to spend their time. Let it go and give their life back to them.

    10. You cannot control what others wish to do with their lives. Let it go and give their life back to them.

    Letting go is about getting rid of the need to control anything and everything that is not on the above list. If it is not within your power to change it, control it, or alter it, then let go of it! Period. Try it right now, and feel the tranquility that comes with releasing those which we cannot control, and the peace in giving them back to themselves.